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Dagmar, Ephraim and Keeva

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Silence

By Dagmar
Posted on

I wish I had the conversation with my spouse.

He was my best friend, but I could not or did not know how to penetrate his deep silence about his illness and approaching death.
My husband died a year ago last June after 6 and one half years with a glioblastoma (brain tumor). I have trouble letting go of my sadness in not having had an intimate conversation with him before he died. I don’t know what I wanted from that conversation, but I do know that I wanted to feel really close to him as he approached death. I had felt close, loved and appreciated throughout the 57 years we were married. He was my best friend, but I could not or did not know how to penetrate his deep silence about his illness and approaching death. I knew that he was aware that he was dying by comments he made to me, the children or nurse.. I knew that he solved difficult situations in his life by silence and deep personal thought. However, I wanted to talk about our relationship and experiences over the years, our children and grandchildren and the depth of what we meant to one another. I wanted him to know how much I would miss him, and oh God how I do miss him. I could not seem to find the words to unlock his silence, We held each other but very few words passed between us. I told him I loved him that I would miss him and he would hug me and say he loved me but no real talk.

I would have welcomed a chance with my husband and his physician to have an end of life talk. We never did.

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